I’ve decided to use my blog as a journal. The odds of anyone picking up my writings seem fairly slim, so I might as well just blab. I prefer handwriting on paper for this purpose, but I’m somewhere where that is not an option, so I’ll process this way . . . .
This morning I’m rediscovering the singing sensation of my masque. Singers will know what I’m talking about. For the rest of you I’ll explain it thus: you know how your sinuses feel when you have a cold in your nose when you’re not necessarily stuffy, but you have ‘stuff’ in your sinuses? It makes you sound ‘funny’ when you talk. What you’re hearing is the sound resonating through all the extra fluids in your facial cavities. Most people don’t notice this day-to-day. If you’re a singer, this is an important sensation to be in touch with.
For me, one of the joys of singing used to be that sensation of the sound producing through the masque. I have had little joy in singing lately. I find I don’t enjoy the act of it or the sound I’m making. It’s gotten to the point where I am ready to let go of the choirs I’m in, since there was drama there I didn’t want to deal with anyway. I was weighing whether or not to set the drama aside to continue as a part of the group, but found I had no real reason to do so.
I started working out again on Sunday. While hunting down music to use, I remembered that I sometimes like Bollywood type beats. On one You Tube video, there was a woman singing and her masque sounded especially clear. This reminded me of that sensation of singing with a healthy, clear, open masque. When I walk to work I sing, most mornings. These last two days I have been trying to rediscover my clear, healthy, open masque. I had some success today and am happy to continue on this path of discovery. I am willing to work with this discovery and continue with the choir for another minute. Also, I woke up this morning wanting to attend rehearsal tonight for the first time in a couple weeks, so I guess the full moon is effecting some sort of change in energy.
* * * * * * * * *
I’m happy at my current assignment. I creatively visualized an environment of high frequency and vibration; finely appointed, professional, friendly, well-paying and peaceful for me. The irony is that I find when I leave I am very grumpy, dark and angry. this morning I believe I understand why; because of my sensitivity and because of my understanding of the world as it is currently manifesting. The prevalence of privileged people (men, mostly) who refuse to take responsibility for themselves and insist on acting as though they are toddlers having tantrums and who bully petite, female me, is overwhelming. Their behavior begs me to assault them. I won’t, of course, and that is where my repressed rage comes from. Letting go of it, forgiving them and accepting them as suffering people is impossible for me when I have had to grow up and take responsibility for myself. Ahhhh. This is why we journal; Discovery! By saying forgiveness of them is impossible, I am being exactly the same as some extreme, poor-bashing, ignorant hater who thinks that people who want enough for everyone are somehow saying that their own hard work is meaningless. Big leap to make if you’re not with me on that one.