It still happens that when I see the date ‘9/11′ my heart breaks and I feel grief. Some would label me an ’empath.’ If you’re a Trekkie, (particularly Next Generation) and I tell you I feel others the way Deana Troy does, you will understand. Unfortunately, not being trained, or a Betazoyde, I often feel others and don’t know the origin of the hit. It’s annoying, frankly. However, what it means practically in a world where the media is gleeful about reporting the horrors that befall individuals, is that the traumas that happen nearby, and around the globe, affect me viscerally.
On the morning when I began this writing, the Google doodle is celebrating the anniversary of the arrival of the Statue of Liberty to Bledsoe Island, now known as Liberty Island. I can see Lady Liberty’s Torch and upper body if I take a walk behind my house in Jersey City.
While looking at pictures of this inspired marvel of Gustave Eiffel, I notice, for the first time, the tablet that Lady Liberty supports in her left arm. It is not a bible, by-the-way, in case anyone was just making that little close-minded assumption. It’s a book of law, with the date of the signing of the Declaration of Independence on it in giant letters.
It brings to mind the history of post-reformation England under bloody Mary Tudor. Protestants were burned by the hundreds for heresy, which is one of the reasons many emigrated to America. Before Mary Tudor burned Protestants, her father Henry VIII chopped off the heads of anyone who protested against his push towards a Protestant England, and his taking over as the head of religion. Before Henry VIII, his first wife’s mother, Queen Isabella of Spain, kicked all the Jews out as a wedding present to her first daughter, the Infant Isabella. Then Queen Isabella commenced with more of the “Holy” Crusades, killing all the Muslims she could and forcing everyone to swear allegiance to Christ.
Back in the day, religious persecution was exercised because these perpetrators really believed (in their very twisted way) that they were doing the work of God. Nowadays, those who feign some connection to a righteous god in support of whatever their platform-du-jour might be are anything but devout.
“Religion … is the opiate of the masses” is a much reduced and often used quote of Karl Marx. Any issue, nowadays, that purports to be supported by someone’s proclaimed belief in a god is inherently suspect.
Issues of sexuality, which include women’s rule of their bodies, LGBQT, etc, etc, are pure issues of distraction. I guarantee you they don’t really care about those issues. What ‘they’ care about is keeping the masses distracted from the real, base, important and urgent needs of our society which all come down to one thing: everyone having what is everyone’s right to have: food, shelter, proper clothing and a fulfilling occupation. By virtue of existence, we are all entitled to a quality of life, esPEcially in this day and age when technology is adequate to make resources free and available to all. There’s one industry in the way of that: Big Oil.
Anyone who starts that babble about ‘deserving’; some people ‘deserve’ a decent quality of life, is flat out LYING. There are those who are too short-sighted and, frankly, just plain stupid, to see that Everybody Does Better When Everybody Does Better.
Take the issue of a Living Wage for instance. If I own a business whose product can be used by all almost-400 million people in the U.S, but it is a non-essential item that people will only buy when they have taken care of the essentials, I’ll tell you what: I want all almost-400 million people to be making enough damn money to afford my product! Everybody Does Better When Everybody Does Better.
True Christ Consciousness means caring about those less than you, doesn’t it, now? All religion comes down to one thing: Love Thy Neighbor.
Everything else is commentary (as a Rabbi once said) or a made up tool (like the bible, burped out of a bunch of writing by a bunch of men, a bunch of men who called women abominations [the original Pentateuch/Torah] and then added to by a guy who originally said Christ was a bad guy but then changed his mind and said a bunch of stuff that Christ supposedly said and then some other guys added to it over a hundred years after Christ died and then it was edited by anyone like a bunch of Kings and Emperors) to control the masses.
My experience of God is pretty personal. I have dealt with my C-PTSD symptoms throughout my life. These include dissociation, self-loathing, complete lack of identity and just plain feeling badly; as though I am bad. After high school, and as a young adult, over indulgence in alcohol and promiscuity were the holes I fell into occasionally.
After the birth of my daughter when feeling hopeless, I would find myself in the occult section of the library. When I believed that there was nothing for me, but life had to be lived in responsibility to my child, I would seek out the most frightening literature I could find, which for me meant the Occult section of the library, and stories of paranormal experiences. Or so I thought. Without exception, the material I would end up with would be stories of after-life communication and mediumship. As a result, I connected with my own ability to be open to some of these communications.
Turns out I’m claircognizant, “clear knowing”. The occult has always been a part of my life as I’ve had a fear-of-demonic-possession since I was a small child, which I attribute to the abuse I suffered and my loss of identity. As I became more familiar with mediums and other sixth senses, I had more experiences that confirmed that there is knowledge available to me from sources not explainable in this material world.
Recently television has re-entered my life. I am desirous of watching ghost stories, but always find myself in a place of fear, fighting off thoughts of evil possession. After watching a particularly entertaining, I-have-to-watch-through-my-fingers episode of My Haunted House, I woke in the early morning hours to fearful thoughts which were threatening; I was finding it more challenging than usual to transfer my mind to positivity. The Lord’s Prayer usually does the trick, but I wasn’t feeling it this time. And then, magically, from seemingly nowhere, there was God.
God, which feels very much like the strongest, most grounded, least dramatic part of me, came in on the right and the shift was immediate to one of peace.
For many years now I have professed to not believe in God. What I was not believing in was some separate, larger-than-life, ruling deity. What I was not believing in was this myth of the Holy Trinity; this myth of some after life being more valid than the life we are living here and now. Some myth of a wrathful deity.
What I have discovered is that things are not what God is. I would make that a conditional ‘for me’ statement, except that I feel a deep knowing that what I experience now as God is not a subjective thing of which I have to convince others. It is an experience and a knowing. You’ve either received it or you haven’t. Some people are born with it and it stays with them. Some people know it but can’t outright grasp it. Some people are gifted with the experience and I would like to meet them to know that others experience this.
This was not a thought process of ‘oh, this is what God is’. This experience was a knowing. I was having an in-between-sleep-and-waking experience and God was there instantaneously.
It is the same as my experiences of claircognizance; I have experiences of knowing things and the way that the information comes to me is not a process; it is instantaneous. I just know something. It’s that simple. That was my experience of God that morning, and it is consistent with me now. I don’t have to strive to reconnect with it; it is me and it is constant. If things are going oddly in my life, or I am off track, you can bet good money that it is because I have become disconnected from my God. Let’s call it Spirit.
I don’t know how this miracle occurred to me. I am grateful, in awe of it, and I wish it for every single consciousness in existence.
I’m editing this post in March of 2019. I had forgotten about this experience of God the absence of the connection to it is clearly apparent in my current experiences.. I am so grateful to be reminded of it. It is a huge relief. However, I have recently had the experience of the straight up soundness of Me; of connecting to who I actually am, which, it turns out, has pretty much nada to do with things I do, or like, or want, or any of those things we usually use to define ourselves. It is a sense. A grounded sense of solidity.
For a sufferer of C-PTSD to have come to this is pretty profound.
The other conclusions I’ve arrived at are that
1. All we have is each other.
2. Being nice and helping others makes your life better.
3. When people are shitty to you, it really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Not taking things personally will change your life.
All of these things are not easy to remember, but as a practice of Gratitude (giving thanks for what you have instead of complaining) can become a good habit, these practices can become happy habits, as well. Choosing happiness can make you happy. Happiness is a challenge to practice in this life, especially here in NYC, but like they say, If you can make it here . . .
I’m not negating the truth of “negative” emotions. We are human and we all experience all levels of pain and malcontent and frustration and anger. Personally, I have a real connection to deep rage. Processing these truthfully for yourself is necessary.
Figuring out what thoughts connect to what emotions is not only informative, but transformative. Also, consider that you may be addicted to your conflicts. That discovery, that you’re addicted to the thing you keep bemoaning or wish would go away, is a true revelation . . Better the Devil you know . . .
Happiness is a challenge to practice in this life, especially here in NYC, but like they say, If you can make it here . . . Being happy in NYC kind of invites condescension and a sneer. True, honest happiness that comes out of knowing that you have as much right to comfort, happiness and joy as, literally, anyone in existence is like a super power that makes you immune to attitude. Plus, the whole #3. (above).
When you feel truly connected to yourself and safe in your own skin and liberated from the fear of judgement from others and have the freedom to experience happiness and joy, you are knowing God. I think.
Your personal relationship with God is how you define God. No one else can do that for you.
I know what God is. For me. That is all I can possibly know about this entity we have named ‘God’.