Oh, my mind is so clean this morning. Amazing considering the nightmare of last night’s tossing and turning.
I’ve recently discovered a name for the torture my mind has endured since junior high school: It’s called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or C-PTSD. It is defined as a psychological injury that results from protracted exposure to prolonged repeated traumas in which there is an actual or perceived inability for the victim to escape , which results in the lack or loss of control, helplessness, and deformations of identity and sense of self. Wikipedia Description C-PTSD Symptom Chart
Pretty heavy shit, loaded with shame, dissociation and deep, deep grief. It doesn’t help that we live in a society that just LOVEs to blame the victim, tell people to ‘get over it’, and has a distinct lack of compassion with people who can’t just ‘change their attitude.’
C-PTSD, as described, is a psychological injury. In other words, there are biological, physiological changes to the brain. This is your brain on C-PTSD
I guess the reason I want to share this is because it helps me understand why I have been unable to pursue my dreams, and why I have, as my former therapist coined it “A disastrous relationship history”,among other things. Gaining an understanding of my issues and working through them will eventually empower me to dare to take steps towards the performing career I want, the relationships I’d like to have, or whatever it is I choose to do. As it stands now, I’d rather not even make the attempt. The discomfort of the ‘guilt and shame hangover’ that ensues when I function in life is not something I want to keep experiencing. Currently, the easiest way to stay peaceful is to avoid the situations that trigger those feelings, which, unfortunately, includes most activities.
I had wanted to go for a walk or a run or a dance on the river yesterday. I had intentions to join a gym the day before that. There’s something going on that has me not even wanting to walk out the door to engage in activities that previously you couldn’t keep me from. It has a lot to do with the processing that has begun as a result of reading Judith Lewis Herman’s Trauma and Recovery, a book that I had to often put down for the welling up of emotion it provoked.
In light of this discovery, I think it’s sort of amazing that I’ve accomplished the things I have. People have always commented on my strength of character and mental perseverance. This new journey is going to be the true test of that.
Baby steps. It’s going to be slow going. I think this is the beginning of my second book in life. I’ve been told by more than one psychic and astrologer that I will live two lives in one, starting at about this age. Maybe there’s something to that.