Apparently, I’m not the only one slogging through some pretty deep shit right now.
It appears that there’s a lot us coming around to the dark side of their spiral again, and we’re not finding the cushiony, accepting affection that we know we need to feel some healing. Still. Patterns are repeating themselves and our belief systems are stuck in place.
According to the mystic, cosmic sources I look at, this is a time of paradigm shift. We have the opportunity to truly change what we believe about the world, to open ourselves up to what, in the past, may have seemed like fantasy, and to create real change for ourselves and others on a soul level.
This all makes me slightly disassociative, if not completely schizoid. I want desperately to believe that I can change my deep beliefs so that I can show to myself the kind of support that I give to others. I’ve changed lives. I’ve seen people pursue their dreams because I’ve been in their lives. But because I don’t have the ability to step outside of myself for myself, I continue to come around the cycle to the place of self-loathing, hopelessness and desperation.
People are always talking about pursuing your dreams, and posting trite little positivisms about how you should believe in order to achieve that. There are blogs and books about how to survive financially and emotionally when you’re trying to achieve that dream.
One of the things those advice columns, articles and books talk about is having a good network of support.
This isn’t something that’s a realistic option for me. My basic ability to trust people is completely compromised. See my previous blog entry Your Brain on C-PTSD . The fear centers in my brain are physiologically distorted. Reasonable social situations are threatening to me. I am hyper-vigilant, overly-sensitive to sensory stimuli and unable to trust.
I’m pretty sure my purpose on earth is to teach people how to to love and accept themselves, how to see their own glistening star, and to have an understanding of the behavior of others in relation to their needs so that they can move towards their true soul expression. I am able to separate my distortions of perception from how others exist in the world. I know this is a gift.
However, until I find someone who can stand by my side, have a deep understanding of this condition and shore me up, it looks like this teacher will not be practicing what she’s preaching. I think about possible avenues to make a career for myself all the time: go back to school for journalism or creative writing or social work, start a dance company of audition for a show. These are terrifying ideas. Why bother because there is no chance of my success. That’s my brain on C-PTSD. It’s too terrifying to consider trying because of the lifelong lessons of failure and punishment. The most recent foray into that world sent me into this spiral in the first place.
All of this crap is no fun to share, but a part of me believes that shedding light on something makes it lose it’s power. I’m at the despair point in my cycle; that point in my spiral where focusing on what’s going on and trying to make some sense of it deepens my self-loathing and despair. I suppose that could be interpreted as a sign that I should not think about it; I should ‘get over it’ and get on with my life. If I do that it won’t make this problem go away, though, will it? It will rear it’s ugly head again. Again and again and again. And again and again and again.
Being positive in your outlook is all fine and good, but if the underlying sewage that’s clogging the system isn’t dealt with, it’s going to continue to impede progress.
Here’s something, though: there was a time when my way of dealing with this despair was with destructive behaviors. Ironically, I find myself going in the opposite direction now; I don’t want a glass of wine, a beer, a cigarette. I want healing. I want financial security. I want artistic environments to work on my talents. Naming those desires starts the cycle again because I don’t have those things and despite having brought them to myself before, there are missed opportunities because I focused on other things that I thought were opportunities before me, so I didn’t take the long-term office assignment because I had an interview! that was for a job that would fit perfectly into my plan but then the devastation that ensues after putting myself out there and running into narcissists or power hungry apes sends me deeply back into my cave.
I’d like to pretend I’m writing this so that anyone else who’s going through the same thing won’t feel alone, but the truth is I feel alone and hope that people reading this will have some empathy for me. One of the immature symptoms of C-PTSD sufferers is rescue fantasy. It’s no accident that Cinderella’s rescue is a story I truly wish I could live. The telling thing is that I believe in Astral Projection and Telekinesis, teleportation and Quantum physics more than I believe that something like that could ever be a truth for me.
Beam me up Scottie.