Somehow, wiping the sweat off of my iced coffee was really important to me a minute ago. My energy is really charged today.
After work yesterday, on the way to my voice lesson, I just started feeling really strranngggeee. If I was still fertile, I would’ve said I was getting my period. I swear I still get PMS. Sometimes I feel like I’m pregnant. It would be immaculate conception, though.
In the past, I think I may have tried to discern anxiously where this chaotic energy was coming from. Yesterday, I didn’t really care about finding out where from or why. I went with it and it’s like a cover has been taken off of a shaken bottle of pop. My fizz runneth over!
At the same time, I’m more relaxed than I’ve ever been in my life.
I suffer from C-PTSD, which is a form of Post Traumatic Stress that is most easily understood as that being suffered by those who have been subjected to long-term,seemingly inescapable abuse or imprisonment. A segment of the characteristics involves a lack of personal identity and hypervigilance. Add to that my natural tendency toward teaching, my overly organizational brain and a Mary Poppins attitude (“Well begun is half done!”), and you get an uptight chic who has to have all ducks in very neat rows and wants to know what’s happening when and why!
Flash forward to this summer. In April I was ‘separated’ from another office job. I was uptight there. I wanted to know why!? everything was so disorganized and how come they did it like that?! and why was everyone so rude?!
There is a book by Dr. Joe Spinoza called Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself, How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One . My daughter sent me a screen shot of a page that described some neuroscience of changing your brain. It came at exactly the right time, as these things are wont to do.
The premise in the book that worked for me is that your neurotransmitters are hardwired through emotional memory. If there is a recurring, strong emotion that you would like to change, first sit with it – even if it’s uncomfortable, disturbing or frightening, (ESPECIALLY if it’s those things!) so that you can try to see why it’s such a persistent thought. Perhaps it indicates something you are missing, a hurt you haven’t healed or an anger that has not been dealt with.
When you have some awareness of what the issue is about, you can move into CHANGING it. Whenever the emotion comes up and you find yourself revisiting the emotion, events and memories simply say, outloud, “CHANGE!”. When that neurotransmitter loses it’s power and chemical connection, it will release, opening up a new transmitter for a Positive! thought!
Sounds so simplistic, and it is! For me the physical sensation and visceral shift when doing this was notable. I practiced this over the summer.
Here we are now, about to enter Autumn. Lately, I find myself forgetting to tend to things. Little things that aren’t going to cause anyone’s death or dismemberment, but things I used to be vigilant about tending to. I find it amusing. I’m uber relaxed.
I’m reminded of Whatta Man by Salt N Peppa; “and when he comes home, he’s relaxed with Pep”. The more relaxed I find myself, the more I find a youthful energy returning. This is after the last six or so years of a kind-of death of my old life.
I stopped running, which I had done every day for seven years. I stopped taking dance class. I stopped working out. I watched movies and TV in all of my free time, lying on my bed, for the most part. I wondered when, or if, I would come back to life.
Now I’m ready to move into a new life which I had previously given up hope of ever having the ambition for.
I’ve always been most charged in the morning; choreographing, singing, my mind zinging around ideas, being its most brilliant. This is even more true now.
I’m ready to be teaching you Adult Ballet in the morning, choreographing my next combination or production number, singing songs and working out. I’ve started running again and working out. I woke up absolutely intent on a run on Sunday, threw on some gear, ran to the park, did lunges, squats, pushups and a Jazz Technique warm up! Yay for being too sore to walk!!!
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In the meantime, I’ll just be chillin’ over here.